Let Us Name Your Baby

Jen is facing pressure to pass down a legendary family name. How do you tell your mother-in-law you want to break her family's naming tradition?

Jen writes:

My dilemma has to do with family traditions. There are name traditions on both sides of my family and my husband's family. My mother-in-law has been pushing constantly for us to follow the family tradition and refers to our baby by her family name, Ann.

I really don’t want to rock the boat — I love my in-laws — but I really don’t like the name Ann. Their name tradition has been around for four or five generations and there’s a family legend that this name lifted an infidelity curse. So now every woman for the past four generations has the same middle name!

My husband doesn’t care for Ann either and will do whatever I want. He’s frustrated that his family is pushing it so hard as well. I’ve tried suggesting other iterations of the name, but no one likes them (honestly, neither do I).

I chose to take my husband’s last name, so our child will have his last name as well. So in a way, the baby already has a name from his side. It feels more fair to use a name from my side (or none at all).

We are waiting until birth to find out the gender so it might be a nonissue. It’s giving me so much anxiety though.

Nameberry Editor-in-Chief Sophie Kihm responds:

In addition to my role as Nameberry's Editor-in-Chief, I practice part-time as a perinatal therapist. The sort of dilemma you're describing — a parent or in-law pushing their desires onto a new parent — is one that comes up frequently in my sessions.

You say you love your in-laws, which leads me to believe we're unlikely to be dealing with chronic narcissism or malintent here. Rather, this sounds like the growing pains of shifting family dynamics. Your mother-in-law has had decades of experience in the parent generation. She now has to transition into grandmotherhood, where her opinions will be less consequential than when she raised her own children. The loss of control that comes with this generational progression can be a tough pill to swallow.

Additionally, she might be coping with fears surrounding her legacy, and that of her family. Passing down the family name may quell her anxieties but there are other, potentially more effective ways to pass down a sense of history to her grandchild. Maybe she could make a family tree, find an heirloom to gift to your child, or write letters to this baby with stories from her childhood.

It's not your job to fix these insecurities for your mother-in-law, but being conflict-averse is only worsening things. You're avoiding the confrontation, trying to appease your in-laws by offering variations of Ann that will satisfy no one. The conversation about Ann is still open, which makes your mother-in-law think she has a fighting chance here. I agree with Pam — now is the time to address this. Even if you have a son and the name is moot, the pressure to use Ann will arise with any subsequent pregnancy.

The good news, for you, is that this is your husband's responsibility. These are his parents and his family name — if anyone should push back on this pressure, it's him.

Your husband needs to confidently tell his parents that you will not be using the name Ann — for this baby or any other — and that the name discussion is over. Your mother-in-law may protest — the infidelity curse! — however, it's important that he stands firm in this boundary. Trust in yourselves that you can tolerate the temporary discomfort or tension.

Hopefully, your in-laws hear this and respect it. But if they bring up names again you can tell them (gently but firmly) "Oh, we're not talking about baby names with anyone anymore. We received a lot of advice and opinions, and now it's time for us to make the final decision."

I'll leave you with some reassurance: your in-laws will love your baby no matter what you name them. Once the baby arrives, everyone will adjust to their name and eventually, this conflict will become a thing of the past.

Nameberry Creator Pamela Redmond responds:

I’m sorry this is causing you so much anxiety! It can be difficult to stand up to that kind of pressure, but you’ve got to do it now or it will never end. Any time there’s a choice to be made, your mother-in-law will feel she has the right to not only offer her opinion but insist that you follow it.

So I advise you to say what my daughter said to me when I tried to give her baby name advice. Tell your mother-in-law that you love her but you don’t want to talk about names anymore. You and your husband will announce the name once the baby’s born and the only thing she’s allowed to say is that she loves it.

Now it's over to you

What would you do in Jen's situation and what advice would you give to her? Would you carry on a family tradition even if you didn't like the name?