Let Us Name Your Baby

Logan is set on naming her daughter Imogene as a twist on a family name, Gene. It reminds her of her father, but it was also the name of her grandfather — a man her mother disdained. Should Logan discount her mother's opinion and call her daughter Gene? Or avoid contention and choose a different name?

Logan writes:

My husband and I are expecting our second daughter in December. We lost a little boy back in January who was going to be named after my dad, Eugene. Eugene is a family name on my dad’s side (the men all had it as their middle name) tracing back many generations, but it also happens to be one of my favorite names.

After we lost our boy and got pregnant with our second girl, I still knew I wanted to name her after my dad and use the family name — but with a twist — so her name will be Imogene. I’m not sure yet if we will call her Imogene or Gene (our first daughter goes by a diminutive).

The problem? My mom hates the name Gene. So much so they didn’t give it to my brother. The reason? She didn’t care for my grandpa. Like, at all. As far as I know, she’s never voiced her disdain for my grandfather to my dad.

I never really knew my grandpa, but he actually went by the name Gene, even though it was his middle name (my dad goes by his first name), so my mom relates the name to him more than my dad.

I feel so strongly about Gene — it makes me think of my dad more than anyone. The name gives me peace, and my dad really likes it and it seems to make him proud. I have an incredible relationship with my mom, but I’m afraid that she will never get over the fact we named our daughter Imogene/Gene.

Nameberry Editor-in-Chief Sophie Kihm responds:

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I wouldn’t be surprised if the grief is adding to the intensity of this situation, particularly as it seems you never shared with your mom that you intended to name your son Eugene.

Imogene is a lovely name — one of my personal favorites, actually — and a perfect way to honor your dad, whether you end up calling her Gene or not.

Your mom put you in an unfair situation by making you the keeper of a family secret. If she hasn’t been able to share her feelings about her father-in-law with your dad for decades, she shouldn’t have told that information to you either.

But what’s done is done. Knowing your mother’s feelings about her late father-in-law, can you still give your daughter his name?

Of course you can. Your associations with a name matter much more than any other relatives’. Your mom got to put the kibosh on Gene when she was having babies, but she can’t prevent you from using it for her grandchild.

As you mentioned, the name Gene reminds you of your father, and you are using it to honor him. The fact that your grandfather went by Gene is secondary. And that’s exactly how I would frame it. When you introduce your daughter to her grandparents, say something like, “This is Imogene. We’re calling her Gene in honor of Dad.” Fingers crossed, your mom will contain her surprise and never mention it again. (I wouldn’t share this information with her before the birth, lest she try and talk you out of it).

But if she does pull you aside and ask how you could call your daughter Gene knowing that she hates the name and never liked your grandfather, reiterate, “The name reminds me of Dad. I never really knew Grandpa Gene, so that isn’t a strong association for me. I love Imogene’s name and am so happy with our choice.”

Your mom may refer to your daughter as Imogene most of the time or, if you’re comfortable with it, you could offer her an alternative nickname like Idgie, Immy, or Iggy. But ultimately if everyone is calling your daughter Gene, your mom’s association with the name will eventually be overwritten with your daughter.

It sounds like your mom loves you and loves her grandchildren. From what you’ve shared about her, it seems unlikely that she would let her feelings about a name get in the way of her wonderful relationship with you and your children. So be brave and go with the name you love!

Nameberry Creator Pamela Redmond responds:

It's surprising how many of the letters we get come down to this: There is one name and one name only in the entire universe that I want to give my baby. But this is also the one name that is going to cause huge problems in my family or my marriage or my life. Help!

The problem is, there's no easy help for this quandry.

If you insist on using the one name in the world that is going to upset your mother, you have to accept that your mother will be upset. If you don't want your mother to be upset, you have to find another name. Any other name.

There are two issues that deserve deeper examination here.

One is why you are so determined to use this name, knowing your mother has such an aversion to it. In fact, she doesn't like it and its most recent family namesake so much that she broke a generations-long family tradition by refusing to give it to your brother.

Are you reviving the family tradition and using the name Gene to make up for your mom's omission? Is it possible you love the name Gene because your mother hates it?

You say you have an incredible relationship with your mom, which makes me think you need to have a frank and open discussion with her about her antipathy toward your grandfather. Why did she dislike the guy so much? Was he merely a jerk or did he beat his dogs or cheat on his wife or commit some other unforgivable sin?

Try to unhook this discussion from the one about the name itself. I might be more sympathetic to your mother's viewpoint on this than some people because I also had a father-in-law I didn't care for. At first I just thought he was a macho bully, but over time I discovered it was far worse than that. I may not have wanted to poison my children's opinion of him, but I would be appalled if they wanted to name one of my grandchildren after him.

You need to have a frank discussion about this with your father too. You've obviously told him about your plans to name your child Gene, and you say it "seems" to make him proud. How did he feel about his father and about your mother's refusal to name a child after him?

Are you trying to make up for your mother's failure to continue your dad's family naming traiditon? Are you declaring yourself on your father's "side" rather than your mother's by using the name? Those are deep, complicated issues that may well have difficult repercussions over time, whether anyone talks about them or not.

This is one case where a name is not just a name, and you owe it to yourself, your daughter, and your extended family to air all the issues involved before you make your choice rather than simply using the name and hoping nobody gets too big a fuss.

I'm not saying your should give your mom power over your child's name, just that you should give her a chance to explain why she wouldn't use the name, and explain your own feelings about it. If you hear her out and decide to call your daughter Gene anyway, you can ask her to respect your decision even if it's different from the one she made when she was the one with the naming power.

Perhaps your darling child will break the curse of evil Grandpa Gene and restore the name and the tradition to respectability so that it can live on in future generations. That is the ideal outcome. But it's not one you're going to come to if you don't get all of these issues and feelings out in the open and make a fully-informed choice.

Best of luck. We can't wait to hear how this one plays out.

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